The Do's and Don'ts on How to Talk to Your Partner About the Tough Stuff

Tough Stuff

The number of issues that arise between a couple are indefinite...parenting, finances, extended family, sex, and the list goes on. I wanted to blog about how to talk about finances.  Then I thought, "or is it parenting that is toughest issue to discuss?" I thought "Nah.  The best title would be 'Talking to your Partner About _________'." Fill in the blank.

I thought it would be helpful to have quick and simple "rules", in talking about difficult things- especially with our partner in life.  Now, I cannot cover all of the things that a couple would benefit from by going to therapy.  However, I can offer some things that I have found helpful in my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist. The truth is, the majority of couples that come in have some kind of therapy goal that includes improving communication.

My goal of this post is to give you things to be mindful of when you are needing to talk about difficult topics with your partner. As a solution-focused therapist, I naturally want to give you only the DO's of positive communication. However, I want to include the DON'Ts to remind you of things that may handicap any progress in solving issues.  

The Do's

1. Start the conversation. If there is something that has been nagging on your conscience, be the one to start the conversation.  Chances are, your partner has been needing to talk to you as well. Fear prevents us from communicating about the tough stuff.  Whatever it is you need, take control of improving your relationship.

2. Plan for the right time. Discussing difficult topics in the right time and place can be key to making positive changes in communication.  When you plan for a tough conversation, you are giving yourself time to plan what to say, and manage the emotions that may surround the issue.  You know the best time and place for both of you.

3. Use "I" Statements. If you have been to couples counseling, this might sound familiar.  "I" Statements look like this:

I feel____________________________ when you_____________________, because___________________.

When you use this statement structure, you are taking responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions, beliefs, etc. The statements are a lot easier to hear for the partner, and give a chance for deep and vulnerable conversation.

4. Listen. Listen. Listen.  Make space for feedback.  Have an open heart and an open mind.  Two quotes come to mind here...

 

Do not just hear your partner.  Listen to what they are saying. Eyes off the screen and on your partner.

5. Strategize as a team. Do not forget you guys are working towards the same goals and not at each other.  In the conversation, overuse the pronoun "WE" when talking about these issues.  Don't forget why you both communicate in the first place. 

The Don'ts.

1. "You." "You"is sometimes a dirty word in communication.  It can be accusatory, contemptuous, and lonely.  It moves the couple to a more distanced stance on issues.  Strive for complete avoidance of using the word "you". i.e. You don't help out around the house!

2. Venture off topic. Compiling issues on top of one important topic is overwhelming and nearly impossible to conquer, without making things worse.  Stick to the issue at hand.  Wait for a better time to address the other issues. 

3. Enter the conversation without a negotiated time-out in place. Have a code word. Agree to take a time-out and find some space.  Then after a set amount of time, approach the conversation again to find resolve.  It must be an agreed upon set amount of time. Respect each other's space.

4. Talk to your partner like they are a subordinate. This is your partner that you are building a future with.  They are your other half.  Treating them like they are a child or less than will make things much, much worse. Be mindful of your tone.

Now that I have overused Pinterest quotes, go forth and have meaningful and productive conversations!

Hannah Korkow-Moradi, Ph.D., LMFTA