*SUMMER VACATION* Should we take time off? Yes. Always, yes.

Tis the season…of family vacations! Now that school is officially out for the kids, family vacations are underway.  Many factors must be considered when planning these vacations: cost, time of travel, featured entertainment, taking vacation days off of work, dog-sitters, stress, stress, and more stress…just to name a few. But the benefits are immeasurable.

This commercial does a great job at selling the importance of vacations from a child's perspective…

But is it true?  Are the children in the video credible sources? Well I did a short Google search…

http://advantagebehavioral.org/wellness.php?nId=27

https://eatandplaycard.com/studies-prove-there-are-real-health-benefits-to-going-on-a-family-vacation/

http://www.yourmindyourbody.org/3-reasons-youll-benefit-from-family-vacations/

http://traveltips.usatoday.com/benefits-taking-vacation-1755.html

Many benefits are mentioned, ranging from the behavioral advantages, to the economic gains of family vacationing.

The foreseeable benefits from a Marriage and Family Therapists’ perspective  are just as important (biased, obviously).  So here are a few of the many family benefits as I see it.

Couple Project.  When was the last time you and your partner got to plan something together?  The wedding?  The nursery? The insurance policy (ha!)?  This is an opportunity to plan something you look forward to, get excited over, to anticipate wanted change, from the every day monotony that work-life can present. Your partner and you have an agreed upon outcome for the vacation-A FUN GETAWAY.

Learning Moments. Schools, camps, swim lessons, tutoring, etc. all teach our children specialized skills.  Who teaches them family function and development?  Who teaches them what a “normal family” does?  FAMILY.  These are times where you are taking moments of fun and entertainment and teaching them through modeling compromise, manners, civility, and respect.  For the kids, and for each other as a couple dynamic. Sure, they will learn the layers of soil in the pretty rock formation at the Grand Canyon.  

I am talking about the foundational benefits of interacting as a family here.  The skills and biopsychosocioemotional benefits of just being part of a family. Just don't leave them in the trash, like our poor friend Joe Dirt here.

Memories. Memory-making is a benefit that was mentioned in the other links, but I think it is important as a family therapist to mention again.  It is so important to build these memories with your children.  

They will talk about these vacations for years, purely based on the emotions that are experienced at these fun times.

That being said, pack up the station-wagon, make a fun vacation playlist, and be safe!

Here are some recommended places to visit.

http://travel.usnews.com/Rankings/Best_Family_Vacations_in_the_USA/

Love, 

Hannah Korkow-Moradi, Ph.D., LMFTA

The Do's and Don'ts on How to Talk to Your Partner About the Tough Stuff

Tough Stuff

The number of issues that arise between a couple are indefinite...parenting, finances, extended family, sex, and the list goes on. I wanted to blog about how to talk about finances.  Then I thought, "or is it parenting that is toughest issue to discuss?" I thought "Nah.  The best title would be 'Talking to your Partner About _________'." Fill in the blank.

I thought it would be helpful to have quick and simple "rules", in talking about difficult things- especially with our partner in life.  Now, I cannot cover all of the things that a couple would benefit from by going to therapy.  However, I can offer some things that I have found helpful in my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist. The truth is, the majority of couples that come in have some kind of therapy goal that includes improving communication.

My goal of this post is to give you things to be mindful of when you are needing to talk about difficult topics with your partner. As a solution-focused therapist, I naturally want to give you only the DO's of positive communication. However, I want to include the DON'Ts to remind you of things that may handicap any progress in solving issues.  

The Do's

1. Start the conversation. If there is something that has been nagging on your conscience, be the one to start the conversation.  Chances are, your partner has been needing to talk to you as well. Fear prevents us from communicating about the tough stuff.  Whatever it is you need, take control of improving your relationship.

2. Plan for the right time. Discussing difficult topics in the right time and place can be key to making positive changes in communication.  When you plan for a tough conversation, you are giving yourself time to plan what to say, and manage the emotions that may surround the issue.  You know the best time and place for both of you.

3. Use "I" Statements. If you have been to couples counseling, this might sound familiar.  "I" Statements look like this:

I feel____________________________ when you_____________________, because___________________.

When you use this statement structure, you are taking responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions, beliefs, etc. The statements are a lot easier to hear for the partner, and give a chance for deep and vulnerable conversation.

4. Listen. Listen. Listen.  Make space for feedback.  Have an open heart and an open mind.  Two quotes come to mind here...

 

Do not just hear your partner.  Listen to what they are saying. Eyes off the screen and on your partner.

5. Strategize as a team. Do not forget you guys are working towards the same goals and not at each other.  In the conversation, overuse the pronoun "WE" when talking about these issues.  Don't forget why you both communicate in the first place. 

The Don'ts.

1. "You." "You"is sometimes a dirty word in communication.  It can be accusatory, contemptuous, and lonely.  It moves the couple to a more distanced stance on issues.  Strive for complete avoidance of using the word "you". i.e. You don't help out around the house!

2. Venture off topic. Compiling issues on top of one important topic is overwhelming and nearly impossible to conquer, without making things worse.  Stick to the issue at hand.  Wait for a better time to address the other issues. 

3. Enter the conversation without a negotiated time-out in place. Have a code word. Agree to take a time-out and find some space.  Then after a set amount of time, approach the conversation again to find resolve.  It must be an agreed upon set amount of time. Respect each other's space.

4. Talk to your partner like they are a subordinate. This is your partner that you are building a future with.  They are your other half.  Treating them like they are a child or less than will make things much, much worse. Be mindful of your tone.

Now that I have overused Pinterest quotes, go forth and have meaningful and productive conversations!

Hannah Korkow-Moradi, Ph.D., LMFTA

Stand Up and Take a Date-Night

It is just another Manic Monday, then Terrible Tuesday, but then Hump Day Wednesday comes along and gives you hope for the weekend, Thirsty Thursday (which the young ones call the new Friday), then FriYAY, Saint Saturday and then Sunday Funday. Sunday has its own introductions of mixed emotions.....

Unless you are a fan of Rick and the gang, then there is something to look forward to. I digress...





 

 

Unfortunately, all of these fun days don't really matter if you aren't able to take a moment and enjoy them...because you have kids.  Now kids are amazing.  I have one myself. They bring so much overwhelming feelings of happiness and pride, et cetera.  But when you are wanting to give your spouse undivided attention, and the toddler is pulling the hair out of the family cat, the older one is going over the allotted screen time looking at who knows what, and work is calling you after hours, it is nearly impossible to bask in the glory of "Happily Ever After".

 

Now, I am not the first one to preach the importance of a Date-Night.  Plenty of other resources have talked about it, such as here and here. And they quote the statistics.  I am going to give you a pep talk.

 

1. YOU make the plans.  Yes you.  The one reading this. Quit waiting around for your partner to do it, or a day to become available, or a special event to happen.  There is no reason you shouldn't be celebrating yourselves as a couple.  Can you imagine the gesture if your partner made plans for you?  Why not be that guy (or gal) who makes your partner's day?  Take the initiative and water the grass on your side of the fence.  If you are familiar with the 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman, this could be considered making Quality Time, Giving a Gift of a date, or an Act of Service (no cooking that night!).  Date-night also sets the scene for the other two: Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.

 

2. Leave those little love muffins at home. There is nothing fun about shoveling food in your face as fast as you can, feeding or coaxing a young one to eat "one more bite" or censoring all of the daily gossip or intimate details of your life from your unfiltered teen's mouth out on a "date".  There is a saying...

 

Get a sitter.

 

3. Let go of the guilt. We all have something else we could be doing. You may miss putting your kids to bed.  You may miss an email.  You may lose that bid on the eBay auction. You may spend money you didn't budget for. You may miss...the new episode of The Walking Dead. *gasp* But you have to understand that reconnecting with your partner, being in the moment, and investing in your TEAM, will have ripple effects across all aspects of your life.

 

Last little nugget of advice: Do not underestimate the power of planning ahead.

 

No ideas for a date??  Here is some help! Try for the "night-out" option!

 

Date Ideas

 

Or updated and local events What to do Around ATX 

 

Date your partner!  It's not weird.

 

 

 

 

 



 

On Feeling Stagnant

For those of you who don't know my story.  I am a married mommy, therapist, and graduate student who moved from the comforts of a familiar, predictable, and reliable life in Lubbock, TX, to the suburbs of Austin, TX.  I have had to meet new people, fulfill this new role as a mother, reinvent my role as a partner, and be ok with not being as self-sufficient as I have been since the age of 14.  The last has been the toughest on me.  "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-T-E-N-T. Do you know what that mean?" There is a rap out there that was all about me...Webbie sang it well. How humbling it is to ask for help. But how awesome and empowering it has been for our relationship. This statement is taken from hindsight, of course. 

So getting to the point...I still place A LOT of self worth on my ability to provide for myself and my family.  I started looking in to employment again, and have struggled with reaching out and finding anything that suits what I feel is worth my time away from my super-amazing-nugget of love, son, Nolan.  I have contemplated starting my own business off and on, and have talked myself back into the predictability of a paycheck.  Not anymore.  Somewhere in my soul I found this bold, risk taking piece of me that has been starving for attention, and I have set out to open my own practice.  So here I am writing my first blog EVER about the process of becoming a Business Woman, or to be honest I call myself Boss Bitch.  That may have came from a Parks and Rec episode...but went to find the episode on YouTube, Nicki Minaj came up.  I really don't listen to much rap.  Well ok more than country music. Ok fine I downloaded her song-for my workouts! Don't judge.

Anyway, there were some ways I came to the decision to take my career to the next level. I like lists, so I will present these tools in bullets.

• Self-Awareness.  I reflected on the immediate emotions of planning the potential.  I then reflected on the emotions of remaining in the routine that I have accepted.  Planning brought on many emotions: excitement, fear, not-knowing, doubt, hope, Boss Bitch. Routine awareness brought on some emotions, too: disappointment, desire for more, helplessness, frustration. Now I try not to make decisions based entirely on emotion (anymore, ha!), so logic and reason were injected in to the equation.
• Cost/Benefit.  Without sharing too much and boring you, I went over what could be and what needs to be.  It was a risk, but may have valuable and invaluable output.  
• Work. Do the research and put in the work.  Things do not get done dreaming about doing things.  Make a list.  Get after it.
• Guided Imagery. The first time this worked for me was when I was visualizing how I was going to play as a setter in a junior high volleyball tournament.  I'm 5'5" with a 12" vertical. Setter. It had amazing affects, and I have taught it to undergraduate students preparing for their public speeches.  I use it often.  Here is a video that helps with the beginner.  I chose this one for the accent. Make the time!
• Positive Self-Talk/Affirmation.  You may roll your eyes at this one, but as a marathoner and triathlete, I have earned many-a-medal only because I have chanted supportive things to myself, and BELIEVED it. "Get it!" "Move it" "You got this!" "You've passed how many people?" "This is what you trained for!" "On your left!". The last one is one spoken out loud.  But what an encouraging feeling.

Try it .  But now that I have procrastinated by writing a blog, I need to work on dissertation edits. Wish me luck and lots of positive self talk!

HKM